Today was most frustrating. I had an automotive issue and was left stranded over an hour away from home in the blazing heat with both kids. The Mr. was at work. It dawned on me....I have no friends. This is something I already knew and joked about but it really hit me hard today when I just knew there was nobody to call. Nobody to help. Such a bad feeling to know that you're all alone. I broke down and just cried.
Lack of friendship isn't something I sought out. To a degree it is I suppose but it's more about the idea that I've attempted to be selective. I want to be friends with someone who shares my thoughts, ideas, values, sense of humor etc. I've always found it hard to open up to people, to trust. I also never felt it was fair to begin a friendship with someone when I couldn't devote the time to nurture that friendship. As a result of all my careful planning I'm just without friends. I have people who call me friend. I have people I call my friends. When it boils down to it though, a friend is someone who would be there for you if you called. The people I know wouldn't. This doesn't make them bad people. Just uninvested.
I'd rather spend my time with my husband and kids but I do want more than that. I want a friend. I've recently reached out to someone I thought I would like to befriend. I thought she wanted a friendship as well but my calls go unanswered, my messages go unreturned and how long should I have to try? It shouldn't just be me making all the effort.
Call me stubborn but I want a mutual friendship and not a one sided deal.
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